"The Three Pundoners"
(PART 1)
A Parody of the Story "The Pardoner's Tale"
It was a classic busy night in the tavern. Men wildly drinking ale, slamming their wooden mugs on their tables, like a blacksmith hammering a hot sword, the sounds of golden coins showering on the dancers from the slums, the smell of booze filled the tavern as everyone is merry.
The eldest pardoner walks into the tavern and reads a sign that hangs over the tavern... FREE ALE! FREE ALE FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the pardoner asks the bartender what the test is.
The bartender replies "Well, first, you have to drink that whole gallon of cider, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a wolf out back with a sore tooth.. you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's a virgin. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says ,"Well, as much as I would love free ale, I won't do it. You have to be crazy to drink a gallon of cider and then get crazier from there."
As time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Where'z zat sideer?"
He grabs the gallon of cider with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
The people in the tavern burst out in laughter. The bartender informs the pardoner that he has failed the test, and decided that the test was too dangerous, so he cancels the test. The pardoner goes to the corner and sulks in defeat.
The second eldest pardoner enters the tavern, sits down, and orders a large mug of mead. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another mug of mead. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his pocket and orders the bartender to bring another mug.
The bartender says, " Look, I'll bring you mead all night long - but you have to tell me why you look inside your pocket before you order."
The pardoner replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
The bartender is confused on how to react "I-is that so? Well, enjoy your drink, sire." He smiled at him, holding his laughter. He then runs outside and bursts in laughter.
The youngest pardoner walks into the tavern and orders a drink. After a few more, he needs to go do his business. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he grabs a piece of paper and his quill and writes a sign on it saying, "I spat in this ale, do not drink!" After a few minutes, he returns and there is another piece of paper next to his ale saying, "So did I!"
The youngest was about to flip the counter in rage, but was stopped by a pat on his shoulder. He turned around and saw the second eldest pardoner. The second eldest leads the youngest to the corner where the eldest was and they tell each other their stories and spend the hour laughing and drinking.
Suddenly, a bell rings, signalling a funeral. The eldest asks a servant of the tavern "You there, report to me the name of the deceased."
The servant replies "There is no need for me to go ask, sire, for I know the person. He is one of your friends, sire."
The people in the tavern fell silent.
"Who killed him?" The eldest asked in anger.
Before the servant could reply, a man shouts "What is the difference between marriage and death?"
"What?!" The people excitedly ask.
"Dead people are free." Everyone bursts in laughter, stomping their boots in the floor and slamming their mugs on their tables.
The three pardoners looked at the people in dismay. "It was a private thief named Death, sire. Word is, he lives in the next village." The servant replied.
"Oh! I got one!" A woman raises her hand. "When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
"They stopped it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." Everyone bursts out in laughter, some with tears in their eyes and some with painful stomachs.
The eldest pardoner grinds his teeth while the two rub their temples. The three fell silent and suddenly, the eldest stood up and shouts "We're going to find and kill that Death!"
And so, the three pardoners, still very drunk, head on their way to the next village. They haven't even walked a mile when they meet an old man. Before they can speak to the old man, the youngest starts giggling.
"What's so funny?" The second eldest asks, annoyed at his creepy giggling.
The youngest chuckled then cleared his throat "Well, I remember my grandfather telling me a joke."
"Why did you remember a joke now?" asked the eldest pardoner.
"Let me tell the joke first. Okay, two old men in a village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?"
"Honestly, I feel like like a new born baby, I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."
